poultry apologies and foot holes

I was "specting," but not anymore...

2012-02-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

A sweet young lady on a private forum was so excited that she was "exspecting" that she just had to tell everyone about it. (You can usually tell it's not a typo when they keep spelling it the same way.)

I'm not sure what "specting" is, but she's not doing it anymore, apparently.

Maybe she was a prospector and she recently quit. But why would her doctor tell her that would make her feel tired? Seems like you'd feel refreshed to no longer have to squat over a river panning for gold.

I done went and gots my nails did...

2012-02-01T04:12:00.000-08:00

I've been reading Star Foster for some time. She's a Pagan and/or Wiccan--I haven't completely figured out what that means. I'm sure I've poked fun at her before on some other blog, but never for her grammar.* She's always written well. I imagined her a poised, thoughtful yet strong woman. Until today...

Today Star was talking about thick hairs growing on her chin in a blog cutely called By the Hair On My Chinny, Chin, Chin, the capitalization of which I'd like to snarl over. The hairs are not a problem--I've got one (one, mind you) myself that requires plucking...not weekly like Star's...which does make one wonder.

But no, what struck me as odd, and totally threw me out of her blog about beauty was this: "I really want to get my hair and nails did."

Suddenly it wasn't Star Foster, mysterious, beautiful, witch-lady I was reading. It was weird woman who stocks the dairy products at the grocery store. And she's got several thick hairs poking out of her chin.

I'm going to struggle now to believe that Star somehow entered an altered state and typed "did" instead of "done." It won't be easy, but she's a witch after all, and that makes it very possible.

*oops. I guess I was wrong.

2012-01-25T03:18:00.000-08:00

Two headlines at Townhall today:

The Curtail falls on the tragedy of Joe Paterno

Inflation or Delfation? But wait...

This really makes me wonder what the problem is over there--I mean, beyond just plain stupidity.

That was pert dern near correct...

2012-01-24T05:32:00.000-08:00

I was over at my favorite hangout, Townhall, reading Tony Katz' article (with its requisite over-capitalized title), I Love Ann Coulter Even When She Is Wrong. I know it's Townhall, but somehow I assumed I would be reading professional journalistic-type writing. (I mean, come on, he used the word "aplomb!") Alas.

Tony Katz has this to say about Ann Coulter:

Since the election race began, Ann Coulter has been wrong about near everything having to do with the GOP race in 2012. Yet, she's still smarter than near everyone out there.

Okay, ignore the fact that Katz said Ann Coulter was smarter than almost everyone else. As crazy as that sounds, it's not the problem. It's his use of the word "near" instead of "nearly."

Right away (first paragraph) Katz comes off as a backwoods type. (My apologies to the backwoods types, but you know what I mean.)

Bee Dictionary says:

Some dialects substitute “near” for standard “nearly” in statements like “There weren’t nearly enough screws in the kit to finish assembling the cabinet.”

Right. And we know exactly what dialects those are, don't we? Trailer park...and back woods. I'm as fond of hillbilly grammar as the next person, I assure you--but in films, or books, not in journalism.

Constitution is one of those words...

2012-01-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

Constitution is one of those words one must type carefully. It tricks up the fingers like tongue twisters baffle the tongue.

So, we really shouldn't blast our Townhall headline writer...wait, of course we should. Because, as I said, Constitution is one of those words....

The article Help! The Consitution is Protecting Me! by Bill Tatro is pretty good, if not puff. But the title is just a shame. A crying shame...

I don't force my prosthesis on anyone...

2012-01-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

In an article titled, New Hampshire's new Scopes Trial, someone over at Truthout who calls himself "staff" said this:

Full disclosure – I am not an atheist. I have my own faith and religious beliefs and hold them closely and don’t evangelize or prosthelytize.

Well, all righty then. To proselytize is to attempt to convert someone to your faith. So, can we assume that to prosthelytize is to try to get someone to wear your prosthesis?

I really appreciate his disclosure. You can never be too careful around people with artificial limbs.

Getting them all out of the way at once...

2012-01-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

Posted on the sign at my local Chick-fil-A:

Happy New Years

What with that and the "Happy New Year's" greetings all over the place, I can barely make it through the first few days of the year.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Wait a minute...who am I here?

2011-12-24T03:49:00.000-08:00

It's a bleery-eyed, Christmas Eve morning but this woke me up a bit.

My favorite pagan, Star Foster, over at Pantheon, said this:

I think I argued that women who behave in traditionally masculine ways are admired while men who behave the same way are shunned.

Ah, if only the next sentence was, "But now I realize how wrong that sounded." But no, she doesn't seem to see the mistake she made as the rest of the article argues that men and women ought not be forced into traditional gender roles. And we all know that men who "behave in traditionally masculine ways" are not shunned. The very idea is silly.

You shouldn't use the word "same" when you don't really mean it.

Remembering every last sale...

2011-12-13T10:43:00.000-08:00

I worked for Waldenbooks for a long time, quite a long time ago. I don't remember every book sale I made. And it's always bothered me. Oh, those forgotten sales. Feeling abnormal about this lack of brain power, I've kept this awful secret all these many years. Until now. Now I have found out that I'm not abnormal after all.

Somebody over at lifehacker--I can't tell who. Is it someone named Brain Hacks? Or is that the name of the topic? Who would name her child Brain, anyway? Ah, I digress--has laid out Nine Stubborn Brain Myths that Just Won't Die, Debunked by Science*.

Mr. Hacks discusses the myth that "Your memory is an exact account of what you see and experience." Never mind that your Poultry blogger has never heard of this supposed myth. I mean, who would believe such tripe? Hacks has this to say: "...our memories don't recall anything we see, hear, sell, taste, or touch with much detail at all."

I'm so relieved. All those sales weren't supposed to be logged in my densely packed, extremely brainy brain! I feel so much better now.

I'm also quite pleased to learn that alcohol does not, actually, kill brain cells. What a relief!

*I absolutely refuse to capitalize "that," especially since Mr. Hacks' headline writer didn't capitalize "by."

Mixing your Christmas metaphors...

2011-12-06T04:34:00.000-08:00

Kevin McCullough, over at Townhall (I'm beginning to see a pattern here) is trying to explain to everyone about how income inequality is a big, fat lie. So, he tries to be clever and says this:

Like tiny Miss Virginia in the movie Miracle on 34th Street, the Occupy forces have a very rough time believing reality. Yet the truth is all around them.

Wow. There are so many problems here. First, who on earth is he talking about? There was no Virginia in the movie Miracle on 34th Street--and certainly not one called Miss Virginia. He could be thinking of Virginia, from "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus," which was, of course, not a movie at all, but a newspaper column written by some quack who thought it would be nice to try to prove to children there is a Santa Claus, when we all know damn well there isn't.

That's what makes McCullough's metaphor even more intriguing. Neither Susan Walker of "Miracle," or "Virginia," had trouble believing reality. Both doubted the mythology of Santa Claus.

It's as if--no, it's actually that--McCullough is saying that reality includes Santa Claus.

After reading something like that, you don't care to finish an article in which someone is trying to convince you that something is a myth. He clearly has trouble distinguishing myth from reality himself.

Rick Perry's weakness

2011-12-03T04:15:00.000-08:00

In a recent ad, Rick Perry wants everyone to know that he's proud of his faith. We must wonder if he is just as proud of his lack of vocabulary skills.

If a person needs help, it could be said that that person is weak...at least in the area in which he needs help.

But Rick Perry says, "Some liberals say that faith is a sign of weakness. Well, they're wrong. I think we all need God's help."

Well, then, faith is, indeed, a sign of weakness, Mr. Perry. It's a sign that we "need God's help." If we didn't need his help, would we be considered weak? I think not.

Free your mind...

2011-11-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

Justin Kalin, who from the looks of his picture is very young and should probably be above criticism but who wrote an outstanding piece and so reaffirms his maturity and is therefore a target, wants you to free your mind.

Over at Pipe Dream, Justin wrote an article about the separation of religion and government. It was so well done, even I feel a tug of regret in blasting him for this:

Religious tolerance should not be confused for religious approval. Liberty of consciousness is meant to be a protection of privacy, and public displays are meant to be non-denominational.

Liberty of consciousness... That's like LSD or Transcendental Meditation, right? Nevermind our freedom of conscience on matters of religion, let's all just sit cross-legged and chant mantras.

It's the ever-est blog ever!

2011-11-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

I came across this headline today: Top 10 Ghost Stories Ever!

What the heck does that mean? The top ten best, worst, scariest, stupidest? It turns out they meant the "greatest" which is a pretty lame adjective for a top ten list, if you ask me.

The happy pessimist...

2011-11-23T06:34:00.000-08:00

Rebecca Hagelin, over at Townhall, says American pessimism is at an all-time low. Then she goes on to demonstrate that she really meant that American pessimism is at an all-time high. Maybe she was just overly optimistic in her vocabulary skills.

Ben Shapiro writes, "Now provided with the security of diapers, the American people can now feel free to fiscally crap themselves -- and we are."

We are...what? Free to crap ourselves? The problem is he said "they can now feel" free...so he should have said, "and they do." As in, they do feel free. Where he got the "we" out of the "they" is beyond me. And look at the repitition of the word "now." It's a bad sentence all around. I don't like it.

There are two signs in someone's yard on Hollywood in Melbourne. The first says, "Stop Forclosures," and there's an E pasted in above the word "forclosures" betweent he r and c. The second sign used to say, Featherz Hair Extentions, until the bright person who fixed the first sign realized her mistake (it took at least a month) and managed to white out the second t and replace it with an s.

So, you really have to give those people some small credit.

From this "celebrity fail" article about Jennifer Lopez over at Smoking Gun,

Fiat boss Olivier Francois also joins the artifice, claiming, “We watch as she leaves Manhattan and makes her way back to the Bronx, where she grew up and continues to be inspired by.”

Huh? Where she continues to be inspired by? I'm not the least inspired by that awful prose.

Certainly better than the false truth...

2011-11-19T04:35:00.000-08:00

I was going along happily reading about Rush Limbaugh's non-influence in this media-saturated age, in an article by Steve Deace, a right-wing, religious zealot, when I came upon this interesting sentence:

When the true truth is presented honestly and with integrity over time, people eventually respond—which is why enemies of truth despise free speech and embrace censorship disguised as political correctnes.

Now, I just had to include the part after the dash because it's so deceptively funny. I mean...enemies of truth, despising free speech, embracing censorship as political correctness...who are these people this guy is talking about? I think it's liberals, all of them, most especially social liberals.

But, funny as it is, it's not the best part. The best part is the "true truth." It's almost as if this guy is subconsciously aware that he's full of shit (not about Rush Limbaugh, of course).

As we all know, the truth has no versions and needs no qualifiers. It's just there, in all its bare, factual glory.

2011-11-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

The case for skepticism by Dylan Clabaugh opens thus:

Why should anyone be a skeptic? Is there any value in being skeptical? I believe the answer to both of these questions is a strong yes.

Really?

Why should anyone be a skeptic? YES!!

I was laughing too hard to focus on the rest of the article, so I may have missed all of the errors, but since he started it, here is what I found:

"This is to say that to be skeptic is to not accept a claim until there is sufficient evidence to support that claim."

Skeptic is an adjective now?

"Being unwilling to accept a claim without evidence, however, doesn’t make a person close-minded."

Close-minded? Like...keeping it close? Close-mindedness runs rampant in Clabaugh's article.

Nothing can match the opening, I'm afraid.

Chalk it up...

2011-11-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Reading yet another article about Tim Tebow (it's almost as if I've become a fan), I came across this oddity by Emily Stewart for the Bleacher Report:

But instead of just chocking it up to a blip on the Broncos-Lions highlights, writers like Hill have set off a trumpeting backlash in defense of Tebow, chiding Tulloch's action as an insult to Tebow's faith as a devout follower of Christianity.

Chocking it up? Surprisingly, though I've never heard of such misuse of language, this happens quite a bit, as Richard Creed discusses in the Winston-Salem Journal.

Silly me thought everyone knew it was "chalk it up." The closest explanation I can come up with for the origin of "chalk it up" (at least on a quick Google search) is this from Cliches: Over 1500 phrases explored and explained:

The expression chalk it up was used to refer to the practice of keeping a record of who owed what in pubs, etc. by chalking it on a slate or blackboard. Later, scores in games were chalked on slates

So, chalk Stewart's mistake up to her brain being chock full of ignorance (is that even possible?).

People in glass houses....

2011-10-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

Never mind how I find these weird articles or what I, personally, think.

Now that that's out of the way, it's very obvious to me that if I'm going to write a blog criticizing people's grammar, spelling, and sentence structure, etc. I ought to take the time to make my writing as clean as possible. I know that typos happen, brain farts happen, stupidity happens.

But I can't excuse Gadi Adelman and his article at Family Security Matters. Despite being raised in Israel, for which we might assume English as a second language could be his problem, he describes himself as a freelance writer, teacher, and lecturer. So, he should know better.

In his article, Islamists Establishing "Guilt" Through Lies (capitalization theirs), Adelman criticizes journalists for not checking their facts. And yet, in the first four paragraphs I find nine grammar mistakes and five technical writing errors.

Those that [who] read my articles on a regular basis or are familiar with my work and my radio program know that I always deal with facts [dare I even mention this obvious falsehood? It's not an error; just an arrogant exaggeration]. Aside from checking my facts three or four times before putting them on paper, my articles [your articles check your facts?]always contain a multitude of links so that the reader can double check what facts [what facts? Do you know what "what" means?] I have stated.
The last few days I have read no less [fewer!] than 10 articles blasting Dr. Walid Phares. It is one thing to disagree with someone or their [his] views; it’s something else when you blatantly lie, have no proof to back up what you are claiming and then you [unnecessary word] call it journalism.
What’s more, are [is he asking a question here? Why else would there be a comma?] those in the media that [who!] never bother to check something they have read and then they [again with the unnecessary word] regurgitate it over and over without any basis whatsoever, write their own article using the original lies and still refer to it as “journalism”. [Run-on sentence. And why use the quotation marks for journalism now, but not earlier?]

I could not possibly put his entire Bio [why capitalized?] here for lack of room, [Introducing a subject without naming him; bad form] but it is impressive to say the least. Here are some facts for those that [who] may not know who Dr. Walid Phares [Ah, now you tell us who you're talking about.] is.

This is just unacceptable. If you're going to go after "journalism," you need a lot more credibility than supposedly checking your own facts. And by the way, the majority of the "multitude of links" in that particular article were completely irrelevant.

Ricky never said that...

2011-10-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

James Carville is a Democrat, apparently. But he's not a writer. So maybe we'll forgive him for this:

Now I know what you're thinking -- James you are a big Democrat, why on earth would you be excited about Perry running for president? And as Ricky used to tell Lucy -- I got some 'splainin to do.

But Ricky never said that to Lucy. He said, "Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do." I'm not sure if there really is a good way to make this allusion. Perhaps he could have said something like this: "And in my best Ricky impersonation, I got some 'splainin' to do."

Anything but misquoting, in my very humble (ahem) opinion.

(He also totally screwed up the spelling of renumeration and nobody caught it. And he said "the people that," instead of "the people who.")

Not with elk, at least...

2011-10-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

In the category of laugh-out-loud lines in news articles, pick of the week is this brilliant observation by one Peter Lundgren of Sweden. Lundgren ventured onto his balcony in Lindome Wednesday morning only to find himself the voyeur of an elk threesome in his yard. Picture here.

"They were eating apples," he told The Local. "And then suddenly they assumed the position."

Lundgren's revealing observation: "I'd never seen anything like it. Not with elk, at least."

So he has seen it before...

Par Grangstedt, an elk researcher we assume, says that while elk usually do their dirty bits in the woods, they often do it with an audience. The audience is typically competing males. Well, Peter Lundgren is a male.

You expect more from Mercedes Benz...

2011-10-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

"More power. More style. More technology. Less doors."

Less doors? It's fewer doors. Fewer doors. FEWER!

This from "Mercedes Benz: The best or nothing." Please. Are we supposed to cut them slack because they're Germans or something?

Moldova, Moldavia, make up your mind...

2011-10-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

Dan Vojir, over at OpEd News, has written an excellent piece with a very long title: An American Werewolf In The New Uganda: Discredited, Anti-gay "Researcher" Paul Cameron Preys Upon Gays In Moldova.

What is it with the capitalization of every single word in a title these days? Is it just ignorance, or is this something new? Over at Examiner, the preferred method is to capitalize only the first word in the title and then use regular capitalization, as one would in a sentence. OpEd News titles drive me nuts.

I'm vacillating on the lack of comma after "anti-gay."

But this isn't about the title. It's about Moldova. Moldova isn't Moldavia. It used to be...sort of. It's very confusing. It looks like part of Moldavia is now Moldova, but there could still be a Moldavia. Take a look at this travel article at Let's Go which says:

WHAT'S IN A NAME? Quite a lot, apparently. Moldavia and Moldova are not the same place. While Moldavia is the northeastern part of Romania, Moldova is a separate country between Russia and Romania. The distinction is further confused because the region of Moldavia is known as “Moldova” in Romanian.

So, whatever confusion we may endure, the basic idea is that we do not use Moldova and Moldavia interchangeably.

Someone should tell that to Mr. Vojir, who swtiches back and forth so often in his article that we must assume he is either confused, and so decided to cover both bases, or he thinks that he's talking about a place called Moldavia that the Romanians call Moldova, so he's showing off.

The problem is, obviously, that Vojir is not Romanian. Oh, and the other problem is that the place he's talking about is actually the Republic of Moldova. We can assert this from a somewhat translated Moldovan news report.

Vojir should have stuck with Moldova throughout.

The proper way to handle a country that is known by two different names, should one find oneself in such a postion, is to pick one name and use it throughout the essay. If you intend to use both names, you must explain why to your audience, because, let's face it, there's probably not a good reason to do something like that.

Are we disenigrating?

2011-10-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

Pat Buchanan asks, Is America Disenigrating?

I don't know.

To be fair, he probably had nothing to do with the headline; and he spells the word correctly in his article. But what stuck me was that I can hear the man say "disenigrating." Southern bias? Perhaps. But as a Southern girl, I'm allowed.

Got ghostly fork stories?

2011-10-16T06:20:00.000-07:00

Stacy Shaw at the Leesburg Patch tells us how the Leesburg Ghost Tours got started back in 1992. She says founder Joe Holbert was looking for "local fork-lore stories for the Louden Museum" and ended up with personal stories of ghostly experiences instead.

This, of course, brings up questions. Was the Louden Museum doing an exhibit on the many uses of the fork? What sorts of fork stories would be considered fork "lore?" And what sorts of ghostly experiences might be triggered in one's memory when asked about forks?

I'm sure it's a typo (and not the only one in the article)...but wouldn't it be hilarious if Shaw really thought the word was forklore?

What was not a typo, however, is her use of the word "found" as in, founded by. Joe Holbert founded the Virginia Scientific Research Association, which started the ghost tours. But Shaw writes: "This [his initial search for fork stories] led Holbert to find the Virginia Scientific Research Association (VSRA) to investigate paranormal phenomenon." (That should be "phenomena"...plural. This mistake is also not a typo--almost makes you want to stop reading, unless you like finding errors in people's articles.)

He didn't find it. He founded it. The sentence should read, "This led Holbert to found the VSRA."

This all makes one wonder what she meant by the very next sentence: "What he came to find there, went on to inspire other paranormal investigators and even the television show Ghost Hunters."

Huh? He founded the VSRA and then found ghosts there, or something? Does she mean "discover?" Or is she still trying to make a statement of establishment? This grammarian is boggled.

This is going to be today's blog

2011-10-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

As many of you (nonexistent as yet) readers know, I'm a big fan of The First 48. I like watching the cops trick suspects into confessing. I like the way they scoot their chairs closer in the interrogation room, put their hand on the criminal dude's shoulder and say stupid things, like, "The best thing you can do for yourself, is tell us the truth."

How can they live with themselves?

That's not what this blog is about, though. This is about how the cops are always saying what's going to be.

Standing over a dead body, looking at a picture on a driver's license found in a wallet nearby, the burly cop says, "This is going to be our victim."

Or, looking at a mug shot on a computer screen back at headquarters, he'll say, "This is going to be our suspect."

You're always left waiting. And hubs and I are always left giggling.

"This is going to be our crime scene."

Really? There's going to be another crime there...and the cops are going to commit it?

So, I was watching America's Next Top Model yesterday. It's not one of my favorites, but it's one of those shows that's funny enough to watch while you're doing something else, like getting dressed. You can turn it off at any moment because you don't care at all. Like those Real Housewives shows (especially New Jersey, oh, my freakin' gawd) or the Millionaire Matchmaker (you almost can't wait to turn that one off).

Back to ANTM and the smizing. You know, if you watch soap operas, you can see just how hard it is to act well. This is why I think that reality television shows couldn't really be scripted. There's just no way that ordinary individuals could act that well, not that many of them anyway.

I'm not saying that reality shows aren't set up; I'm not saying producers and others don't suggest things. I'm saying they can't be scripted.

And ANTM shows us that modeling must not be as easy as we think it is--well, good modeling. If you watch some of those girls trying to pose, and then you watch Tyra inevitably step in and smize it up, you can see it takes some skill.

Smizing, for those of you out of the whole modeling loop, is smiling with your eyes. It's the difference between making love to the camera and lying there like a dead fish. Which is pretty much what the models were doing yesterday when I was watching--posing for pictures that made it look like they were mermaids underwater. They weren't really underwater this time, but they have been in the past.

All that just to get to this point: Tyra stands in front of them at the end with some number of pictures in her hands and these pictures represent the girls who will continue on in hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model. (You see how often I watch the show.)

And then she says: "The first name I'm going to call is...." And then, "The next name I'm going to call is..."

But she never actually calls the names.

"The next name I'm going to call is Tina."

So, call it then! But no. Tina doesn't wait for her name to be called. She just assumes that Tyra is telling the truth and if she really were going to call a name, it would be Tina.

It's almost as silly as smizing.

So, this is going to be our blog for today.

Less drives me nuts on a regular basis

2011-10-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

In discussing how far General Mills can go to reduce the sugar in their cereals and still get kids to eat them, Mark Reilly, Managing Editor at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Business Journal says the following:

There has to be some sort of Cheerio-based exception to both those rules: Several varieties of Cheerios have less than 10 grams of sugar and kids still eat them...

FEWER! Fewer than 10 grams of sugar! FEWER! FEWER! FEWER!

When will the madness end?

The common sense of Hank Williams, Jr.

2011-10-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

From the website of Hank Williams Jr.:

I have always been very passionate about Politics and Sports and this time it got the Best or Worst of me. The thought of the Leaders of both Parties Jukin and High Fiven on a Golf course, while so many Families are Struggling to get by simply made me Boil over and make a Dumb statement and I am very Sorry if it Offended anyone. I would like to Thank all my supporters. This was Not written by some Publicist.

We can tell no publicist had a hand in that. Who does this guy think he is, Thomas Paine?

Are you a good witch? Or a bad witch?

2011-10-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

Star Foster, Real WitchTM, was pretty upset when she wrote this, so maybe we should cut her a little bit of slack; but it's still funny:

I have to give Andrew Bowen credit for being well-meaning. I do think he means well, but Project Conversion just makes me a little nauseous.

I'm sure Andrew Bowen and his mentor feel the same way about the nausea.

I'm not saying that you can't use nauseous instead of nauseated, if you want to. I mean, if you want to just go with the flow and be like everybody else, fine by me.

But the mental image Foster has created makes me, and traditionalists everywhere, laugh--which is probably why she ought to have used nauseated.

Nonetheless, the whole section is bad. Naturally if you give someone credit for being well-meaning, you think they mean well.

Let's put rouge on the reigning stupidity and rein it in, shall we?

2011-10-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

Remember "Stupidity Reins?" It still does! And now we have this:

Congress Takes Important Steps To Reign In Rouge Agency

Even if they did fix the spelling of "reign," one wonders what business Congress has interfering with the manufacturers of rouge.

And take a look at the capitalization in that title! Jiminy Cricket, who had to type that?

This one is at Townhall, by one Fred Wszolek, so I doubt you need to hurry to see it. Though there are some snippy remarks about the problems in the comments section, it's probably not going anywhere.

Irish copy editors unite!

2011-09-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

Posted on the bulletin board in Building One at Brevard Community College, Palm Bay campus (and probably all over the other BCC campuses, as well):

Experienced Irish Copy Editor

Available

For

Theses' typing and Theses' editing

Contact Finola at: (email address withheld to protect her identity)

I'm so tempted to contact Finola and ask her about the typing and editing done (or at least possessed) by these "theses." I suppose it's possible that this bizarre use of language is common in Ireland...

It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

I've got a mind like a leaking sieve...

2011-09-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

Here's another "duh" for the redundancy files. In UFOLOGY: The infiltration by fundamentalists, Pat Regan says:

These committed ‘believers’ are NOT interested in the slightest if you give them firm evidence that their beloved belief structure is principally erroneous, based on Dark Age Church propaganda and holds more holes than a leaking sieve.

First, can anything really "hold" holes. Second, how exactly does a sieve "leak." They're built that way. It's what they do. To say a sieve leaks is like saying a rug lies flat, or a plate of food is edible. It's unnecessary.

I could also complain about Regan's description of someone's belief "structure" being "principally" erroneous. But, if he wants to talk like that, it's his business, I suppose. After all, in my early days I did my share of bloviating.

Blame Twitter...

2011-09-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

Hank Campbell, in Autism and the Psychological Profile of Atheists, over at Science 2.0, states: "He [Razib Khan] titles his piece 'Atheism as mental deviance' to tweat his pageviews a little, since he is a proclaimed atheist."

Tweat? Does he mean tweet? Or tweak? How would one tweet "a little?" And how would one tweak page views? A page view is someone calling up your url, right? You want to boost or increase those. You can't tweak them...they just happen.

And look how he calls the author of Atheism as mental deviance, Razib Khan, a "proclaimed atheist." Why are atheists always "proclaimed," or "avowed," or "admitted," as if no one in his right mind would call himself an atheist?

Stupidity reins...?

2011-09-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

Stupidity reins

Yes. Yes it does. Hurry and look at it before they figure it out and fix it! (Ever the hopeful grammarian...)

Huh?

2011-09-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever started to read something and found yourself thinking, "huh?" I used to just stop reading those things. But now I get to come here and spout off about them.

Today, I read a blog about the James Randi Educational Foundation by Bruce Gorton. Let me start off by saying that if Bruce Gorton is a part of the JREF, he's fine by me; and I really hate to do what I'm about to do, but I just can't help myself. I just can't help it.

In JREF and religion--welcome to doubt, Gorton says, "A lot of what I write is anti-religion - and more of it is anti the harms of religion."

I should have had a clue right there. I had to read it twice and that's never good. "Anti the harms of religion" was very off-putting. He could have said that in so many better ways. Nevertheless, I continued, as did he:

In other words the majority of religious people aren’t the problem that say the person who believes it good and proper to beat your children into obedience and that women are pretty much chattel, or the person who believes all life began 6000 years ago and that all evidence to the contrary is a result of a worldwide conspiracy involving the devil.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the use of that comma. It really helped. And the spelling was wonderful. But once I got finished with the words (they do not actually form a sentence), I was left with the "huh" that I mentioned before. Huh? I had to read it again to figure out what he meant to say.

I typically would have stopped reading at that point. Most definitely. But it's nice that I get to read more stuff just so I can say nasty things about it. Maybe I learn more...

He goes on:

That is to say it isn’t the religion that is generally the problem so much as faith. The idea that the beliefs put forward by some authority figure or text that must be believed. The unassailable belief for the sake of belief that infects religion. The idea of unevidenced belief as being a virtue in and of itself, and doubt a deadly vice. The more strongly people hold onto this, the more harmful it is.

I have condensed two paragraphs into one, but it doesn't matter. I'm not really a stickler for always having a complete sentence, mind you. Fragments work very well when you're trying to be clever, especially in fiction. But your fragments ought to at least make sense.

Gorton has two complete sentences above, the first and last. The second grouping is a fragment and is the real problem here. It's just awful. He's trying to define faith.

"The idea that the beliefs put forward by some authority figure or text that must be believed."

What? Huh? It doesn't even make sense. It's so agonizingly frustrating to read that I'm wondering if it really is a good thing that I read stuff just to harp on it in my blog. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard; a baby crying on a plane, or worse, an eight-year-old kicking the back of your seat. It's like your neighbor's car alarm going off for ten minutes while you're trying to watch Project Runway.

Somebody make it stop!

Oh, okay. He just needs to get rid of that second "that" and everything will be fine.

Anyway, Gorton is talking about the idea that religious people ought to be welcome in a community of skeptics. He says:

I do not read what it [a quote he offered] says as being that religious claims are beyond skepticism, I think that such claims most definitely should be subject to skeptical thought, but rather that religious people aren’t beneath it.

Somebody tell me what it means that "religious people aren't beneath it." Beneath what? In reading this sentence, it seems to be "skepticism." Okay, so I'm thinking, maybe he means the opposite of being "above" something. Like, "I'm above cleaning toilets." Which is really better said as, "Cleaning toilets is beneath me."

So, he's saying religious people aren't beneath skepticism--so, they are therefore...above it?

Oh my FSM, that makes absolutely no sense and I just spent minutes of my life on it. Oh, oh, now I get it. He's saying that religious people aren't beneath the community of skeptics. They're not lepers or anything. Wow. He really could have phrased that better.

It's what they do...

2011-09-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

Really inane Bisquick ad campaign (and I'm a big fan of Bisquick): "Can your pancake mix do this?" And the first item up for debate is...pancakes!

I think the odds are pretty good that most pancake mixes can do pancakes.

Presumed what?

2011-09-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

"Happy Feet, the emperor penguin who became an international celebrity after losing his way and ending up in New Zealand, is missing presumed eaten after being released into the ocean this month, scientists said."

From: Happy Feet the penguin's tracker falls silent.

Let's talk about the headline, shall we?

Happy Feet the penguin's tracker falls silent.

We have a penguin, apparently. And this penguin has a tracker named Happy Feet. And Happy Feet, the penguin's tracker, has fallen silent.

But of course, the headline writer didn't bother with commas setting apart "the penguin's tracker," so we are confused whether or not said penguin's tracker's name is, indeed, Happy Feet.

Commas are so useful in writing.

Maybe, we are calling this bird: Happy Feet, the Penguin? If so, we have to write it that way, with the "Penguin" capitalized, because it's part of his (ahem) title. Otherwise, we've got a nearly nonsensical string of words understood only by people who know there is a bird out there called "Happy Feet" and he's a penguin. (Although, we grant that most would assume a bird named "Happy Feet" will be a penguin.)

I can see the editor's dilemma. Where do you put the apostrophe? If he says, "Happy Feet's tracker falls silent," he fears his readers won't know who he's talking about. And yet, the writer claims the bird is an international celebrity.

If he were to write "Angelina's tracker falls silent," everyone would know who he was talking about, right? So, less is more in this instance, I would think.

And he is presumed eaten!* Notice how they led, under the headline, with: "Emperor penguin found in New Zealand and returned to the ocean may have been eaten – or his tracker may have fallen off."

Oh, right. Presumed eaten!!! Or maybe the tracker just fell off. Who knows?

*Speaking of which, "presumed eaten" should have been set apart by commas.

None of us are getting out of this alive...

2011-09-13T05:44:00.000-07:00

On an Ancestry.com commercial, a woman tells us that she found out that her great, great grandmother "had five children and only one survived." Then she tells us something philosophical about not knowing how lucky we are.

Of course, technically, she meant that none of her great, great grandmother's children survived long enough to reproduce. Because the truth is, none of them survived.

But I guess all the normal people in the world understood that without having to think about it.

It echoes like a time paradox in here...

2011-09-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

Lady on The Stranger/Prince of Darkness episode of The First 48, at memorial for her murdered sister: "Just knowing that she's (murdered sister) not here a part of this (memorial service)...it hurts. It really does."

Huh? But if she were there...oh, never mind.

There are some very specialized fields in science...

2011-09-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'm very worried about the banana supply. Next to chocolate (the supply of which is also threatened), I like a good fruit smoothie, or a banana slathered in peanut butter, or dipped in chocolate and frozen. But it looks like the Cavendish banana is being wiped out by Race 4. The fungus hasn't reached Latin America yet. But it will. It will.

First, you should know that the Gros Michel banana was wiped out by a fungus called Panama Disease. I'm not sure what Panama did to deserve it (the disease originated in Southeast Asia), but there it is. So, everybody started growing Cavendish bananas that were resistant to Panama Disease. Unfortunately, Panama Disease will not be spurned; a related fungus, Panama Disease Race 4, has appeared on the scene to snuff out our new delectables.

I don't know what happened to Races 2 and 3, but that is not the point! Our beloved bananas are under attack.

In Asia, banana farmers have rushed to plant Cavendish in spots where they know only Panama Disease Race 1 used to run rampant and the worst is happening! It turns out our dear Cavendish are no longer immune to Race 1. What is going on?

Well, according to Dan Koeppel* in his scoop, The Beginning of the End for Bananas?: "Banana scientists are still trying to determine why some Cavendish are no longer immune to Race 1."

Banana scientists! Our heroes. They probably wear yellow capes and laugh heartily at peel jokes.

*Dan Koeppel is also the author of, “Banana: The Fate of the Fruit that Changed the World,” and writes a banana blog. So, he's either a crazed banana reactionary, or he really knows what he's talking about. (I like him.)

Stupid t.v. ad roundup

2011-09-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

Seen the new Sears "Truth Phone" commercial? What person in his right mind would stick his hand down a disposal in a strange kitchen?

What can Shark be thinking? They want me to cringe every time I think of their product? Their new commerical for the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop features a woman dancing and mopping to "Old Time Rock and Roll." It's awful. We have to assume actors don't get to see the script before they sign.

Who orders delivery while at a party and only asks for one pizza? The newest commercial isn't on the DiGiorno site yet, probably because they know how stupid it is. Why would a squirrely guy show up at a huge, cool people party with just one pizza? And why would the party host let him in?

Why doesn't that guy just walk down the hall and get his own toilet paper?

The poor state of online advertising

2011-09-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how I got signed up for the email I received this morning from "Family Coupons." It's possbile I asked for it; and it's possible it's spam. The small print says the coupons were sent to me by a third party on behalf of "Family Coupons," which makes no sense at all. I can't find this "Family Coupons" on the Tubes anywhere.

I can't say I trust the coupons themselves. They say "manufacturer's coupon" on them. But just below that, they say "Family Coupons."

I'm not really up on possible coupon scams that involve companies giving consumers fake coupons. I'm not really up on coupons at all. But it seems to me that somewhere on the coupon there's usually some small print telling the retailer how to redeem the coupon. It's all very fishy.

The worst thing about it, of course, is the subject line of the email: Here is Todays Free Coupons.

That alone earns them an attempt at unsubscribing from whatever it is I've supposedly subscribed to--a feat that usually involves typing one's email address into a box, thus giving "them" permission somehow to send you new spam.

I want to be an undercover jaywalking detective when I grow up!

2011-09-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

In the category of best first lines ever: "What started as an undercover jaywalking operation turned into an arrest for child neglect involving five children."

From Jaywalking turns into arrest for neglecting five children. The unknown author of this tidbit failed to explain the undercover operation, which is, let's be honest, the more interesting event.

They might know their math, but...

2011-08-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

Sidebar ad for Rapid Learning Center on Facebook: "Is your high school student struggling with their math and science courses?"

"Student" is singular. "Their" is plural. You think I'm going to let any kid of mine learn from people who don't know the basics of grammar?

Ah, the penis surgery...

2011-08-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

"Seaton's* experience is certainly rare, surgery on the penis isn't."

You just can't do that. You can't put two sentences together like that with a comma. They must either be separated by a period or a semicolon. In this instance, I would recommend the semicolon.

From "5 questions to ask before having penis surgery."

Now, I know you're wondering where on earth I find these odd things to read. I'm not telling.

*link is mine.

Hit over the head with the phone?

2011-08-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

From the too-wordy titled "Then-BYU leader Wilkinson led thuggish school spy ring and lied about it:" "He was a man who could get LDS Prophet David O. McKay’s full attention with a phone or a visit."

There are several way to get someone's attention with a phone. You could call the person with it, I suppose. But you could also hit them with it. If it's a land line you could beat the handset against a wall. You could play a song with the number touchpad or send them a morse code message. If it's a cell phone you could throw it from a long distance, if necessary. It's too bad Doug Gibson didn't specify.

With choices like these...

2011-08-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

The new Hoarders was on tonight. A woman named Bertha was facing jail for her enormous hoard. She either got rid of the stuff, or into the clank she'd go. So, Dr. Robin Zasio, exasperated with Bertha's trying to hold onto objects, offered her a choice:

Do you want to be in a clutter-free jail cell talking to your family through a plexiglass window, or do you want this stuff?

Excuse me, Dr. Zasio, but those are the same choice. This only proves what I like to believe: reality television is totally real!

On a side note, Bertha's two sons each had a rectangle of hair just below his lower lip. Neither was centered properly, nor were they straight. I think it was their lower lips that were the problem, but dudes...

Handlebar moustaches

2011-08-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Heineken Light commercial:

The handlebar moustache. It's not right for every occasion. Unless, that is, you find yourself drafted into an old-timey, bare-knuckle boxing match.

Uh. No. Even when you find yourself drafted into an old-timey, bare-knuckle boxing match, the handlebar moustache is still not right for every occasion...as Heineken clearly shows on the very same commercial in which they claim otherwise.

You really have to wonder at the education level of today's ad men.

2011-08-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

When Rekha Basu used the term "non-secular" when she clearly meant secular in her blog, "Here's why Bachmann alarms us," I thought it was just one of those quick slips we sometimes make. But no. She used it at least once more.

For instance: "She [Bachmannn] helped found a publicly-funded charter school that was threatened with loss of license for being heavily Christian in orientation but claiming to be non-secular."

I was forced to leave a snippy comment; so maybe it will be edited. Or more likely, my comment will be misunderstood and it will remain in all its glory for all Internet eternity.

Only half price?

2011-08-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

Dairy Queen ran an ad about their BOGO sale on Blizzards last week in which the weird guy kept telling us if we bought one Blizzard, we could get a second one for only half the price. Naturally, I felt cheated. Why only half? Why can't I get it for a quarter of the price? It's his fault for telling me how crappy the sale was.

I didn't take advantage of the sale. I mean, really. The second one was only half price.

What do you want them to do?

2011-08-21T05:18:00.000-07:00

Headline: Oprah owes an apology to the West Memphis Three
First line: So should Geraldo Rivera, Dan Rather, WMCTV* (the local NBC affiliate in Memphis, TN) and every other media, therapist, law enforcement and religious figure that [sic] stoked up fears over Satanic Ritual Abuse [sic?**], despite the complete lack of evidence.

Whew! What a sentence. It has its problems, doesn't it? But wait...what? It's not a sentence. Should they what? They should also owe an apology? They should...but maybe they don't? I think the author means, "So do..."

I guess when you want to continue your headline in your first sentence, it can be hard to remember the first part of what you've said.

*links are mine and probably differ from those in the original article.
**I'm not convinced that Satanic ritual abuse is a phrase, or label, that can be or should be capitalized.

Also known as...

2011-08-09T05:25:00.000-07:00

From Sarah Afshar's 2007 article, Difference between blackstrap molasses and regular molasses: "Willy Wonka (aka Gene Wilder) mentions that the juice is extracted through the machine and turned into molasses."

Uh, no. Willy Wonka is not now, nor has he ever been, also known as Gene Wilder.

Her entire article is painful to read. Misplaced commas, improper use of semicolons, ridiculous non-sentences. Here's a gem:

Blackstrap molasses is very popular to health fanatics.

So...she's saying that health fanatics think it's very popular.

Why? According to statistics of molasses

Statistics of molasses?

and within it's [sic] involvement towards the creation,

Huh?

there is a 40% less sugar rate than regular molasses.

Does she mean "than IN regular molasses?" What is a "sugar rate," anyway?

In fact, according to health experts, blackstrap molasses provides vitamin D, as well as, [sic] elements such as magnesium, potassium and iron. Because of this, health fanatics are attracted to blackstrap molasses on a variety of wavelengths.

On a variety of wavelengths. That's just clever, isn't it?

Back when the Earth was flat

2011-08-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

On some car commercial that I can't find on Google or Youtube, a male narrator (or words on the screen?) says, "If nobody challenged the status quo the Earth would still be flat."

Right. It was people insisting the world was not flat that made it not flat anymore.

Society is best runned when it's runned for us!

2011-08-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

"Humanism is a statement that society is best runned when it is runned for us, not because of the fear of some invisible being punishing society through natural disasters."

OMG. Even if he didn't say "runned" twice, the "is a statement that..." would be enough. And what does it mean, anyway? Society is best run for us, not because of fear of punishment? Huh?
From: "Presidential candidate Herman Cain boasts: I'm ignorant about atheism" by Jerome McCollom.

Unfortunately, there's more: "Christian conservatives commonly state that atheists should shut up and let the Christian right dominate the discourse, but it is quite clear by the gross ignorance of the religious right on the most basic things that atheists and/or humanists believe, the utter one sided discussion on religious and moral issues in our nation."

But it is quite clear...what? And one-sided needs a hyphen.

Best opening sentence

2011-08-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

"We carried out a raid this morning. And there was indeed a hedgehog in there."

Okay, so it's not a misuse of language, but it's genius! From "Housing a hedgehog is a crime: Swedish police."

Pedastool me!

2011-07-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

On a semi-private forum: "I do wish so many wouldn't put him on a pedastool to rock star status by stalking him."

Somehow, I don't think a "pedastool" would be all that glorifying.

Seen on a rerun of one of those Duggar shows last week: "If the Duggar kids were baseball bats, a major league player would go through them in a half season."

Baseball bats? Really?

On a Stamps.com television commercial: "There's nothing worse than going to the Post Office and standing in line."

Really? Not even cancer?

Retriculate this!

2011-07-02T15:18:00.000-07:00

The guide on the kayak tour at Brevard Zoo this morning kept calling the giraffes "retriculated."

The City of Palm Bay sent out flyers for their Splashes & Sparks celebration in local papers. The flyer boasts "water sides."

They might mean water slides, but who can tell; it's Palm Bay.

How's my vasige?

2011-06-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, Monday, June 20 (at 8:14): Channeling Wolf Blitzer, he said, My "vasige" in the morning is not something I look forward to seeing.

We think he meant visage. But he's a comedian, so who can tell?

Dido on that foot hole

2011-06-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

In a semi-private forum: "...both my following and myself [sic] were devistated [sic]. Now I have no classes and no foot hole to start."

Foot hole?

Same forum, different topic: "I dido that quote!"

Ditto? Dildo? Didn't know?

Poultry apologies

2011-06-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

Brian Cain-Jackson, in NBC Suggests Separation of State & Church During U.S. Open, June 20, 2011:

I respect the fact that there are a multitude of cultures and religions out there that do not observe each and every single line of that which we hold dear; however, cutting lines from [the Pledge] is simply unacceptable and frankly very offensive. Even more so, NBC’s poultry apology for this travesty.

Did NBC send over a chicken?

For the dumb: It's paltry: ridiculously or insultingly small. Worthless.